That's the secret to virgins: blizzards.
Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
Nope. Can't afford girlfriends. Still looking for the 25 year old bisexual tripled who owns a brewery or a casino.. the search continues....
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
It was like the icing on a beautiful fuck boy cake.
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
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