What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
I should just tell him this. He doesn't need to be all nice and ask me on dates and to do gay stuff like hangout during the day. I'll still sleep with him regardless.
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
wearing my roomate's scarf as a dress...halloween 2011 ladies and gentlemen
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
I can't go to Fassler and not immediately think about you licking a guys wife's butthole in the family restroom
Randomize
