I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
Studying for the exam.. Identifying the portraits using phrases like "large penis"
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
There was pot, but there are no Doritos, no Funyons, no Oreos.
Send help.
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
Somewhere on my work laptop I have a map visualizing all the area codes that Ludacris has ho's
I hope that wasn't done on billed time
I can guarantee that it was
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
Randomize
