I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
Maybe I'm just didn't notice and imagined a different penis as a Freudian coping mechanism?
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
He's the stereotypical redneck. He tried to go kayaking during a storm and almost got into a fight when a park ranger tried to stop him
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
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