if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
I just made out with a girl with a life jacket on wtf is going on
I just went to a chocolate syrup wrestling party I think you need to get on my level
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
I wish there were college classes that were useful to your daily life, like how to pack a proper bowl in pitch black darkness.
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
I just got wasted for $3.50. My life can't get any better.
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
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