I'm going to rape someone's good day.
Dude, no matter how drunk you are, it's not okay to hug every other guy at a strip club. Mainly because boners are far too common.
It's Monday. What a great day to start the weekend on the week of st. Patricks day
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
At some point last night was I riding a garbage can.. Things are starting to come back to me
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
IM WEARING A FLAG
So that's a no to the clothes then
FLAG
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
She was hammered and showed her gay best mate a pic of my cock, his response was "I fucked the wrong brother"
On a side note apparently my brother is gay
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
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