so last night was fun and all.. but you might want to get tested
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
koolaid chicken. i marinated it for 2 hours and roasted it on a rock in a fire. it was bright blue and raw. but that shit was tasty
I cried and ate like 6 tacos in the taco bell parking lot at almost midnight, sober, alone, listening to a demi lavato cd. And that was the good part.
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
He said he loved me more than Kel loves orange soda
the result of growing up in the '90's
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
Randomize
