I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
Dude, I think shitting blood should be a cause for concern not celebration that you had a great night.
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
ask me again when I'm sobewr aka tuesday
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
Drinking wine from a straw at 6:15 in the morning. This is what college does to people.
Will you skip merrily into hell with me?
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
Randomize
