tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
We had sex in front of Notre Dame Cathedral, but I lost my wallet. God giveth and God taketh away.
this is you don't wonder off at 3 am with no pants on. Just stay there and pray to god you don't get arrested for being on school property.
There's somethin not right about having to take the batteries out of your 27 year old boyfriends gameboy to use in your vibrator
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
Her fortune said that she will soon be free. She's taking her bra off at the table.
so you know how I brush my teeth after I give you a bj? according to my dentist my teeth have never been cleaner. looks like this will be a recurring thing
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
Well there's only 4 people in my class, we've watched a video, the instructors encouraged us to start using cocaine and now we are on break.
It's been productive.
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
We're making a scrapbook of dick pics, you want in or what?
Randomize
