At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
Could be my worst decision since the whole 'third degree burn' fiasco.
I somehow ended up with a bottle of red wine in one hand and white in the other and would drink them at the same time. Ruined
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
Huh. I think I went to highschool with the hooker my neighbor just brought home.
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
We peed together in a dark alley while holding hands. That is a bond that can never be broken.
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
Girl I'm contemplating picking up some adult diapers. That's how bad this is and it's only day 2.
Randomize
