I Once took so much Ecstacy that I tried to hug a fire.
Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
all i remember is him tryin to explain to the girls how to effectively hit the strip club with their bfs
hes actually pretty persuasive when he drinks
If I sleep with another Spanish guy it is officially renamed my senor year.
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
I slept with him because his girlfriend should know better than to be with him given is reputation. It was like sex and a lesson all in one.
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
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