omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
Something clean will definitely be barfed on tomorrow.
THAT'LL be a good time.
and i don't know why my phone always capitalizes that word.
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
Im just saying it can't be that bad if he drove himself to the er. We'll head that way when we finish playing scattergories
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
We have 24 days left before I leave for college and 21 condoms left in the stockpile. Are you up for the challenge?
party devolved into two exes battling with Cal's tiki torches, and the lawn being set on fire kinda sorta and then we all hula'ed... hulaed?
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
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