I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
I wonder if all of the nights I blacked out will be revealed to me when I die. Have you ever thought about that?
Skipped a towel and decided to spit the cum into his face. I now owe him new contacts.
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
i jsut feel off the bus, but its ok the driver let me back on. a woman hid her baby from me..
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
Dude, it's not gay. It's winter.
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
No, I found out he was gay when I walked in on him blowing the guy from the dorm room next to ours.
Well, I like big penises but it's not like he walks around with it out or anything so yes I think he has beautiful eyes
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