This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
Oh that could end badly if you get them mixed up.. you know who I think you should focus on?? THE ONE WITH THE BIG BLACK COCK, just sayin
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
i think i passed out for a few seconds while we were having sex but he didnt notice...
He was talking about his friends deceased ferret and I still managed to orgasm.
Now THAT is dedication!
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