and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
he kept refering to his penis as the "eternal sunshine"
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now.
Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4.
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
I'm sitting outside your room listening for sex noises eating pepperoni...slowly
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
I was in a penguin suit. Dick out. I am confident in the value of my pic.
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
Randomize
