Im in Brooklyn, he wasnt 23 or a musician pick me up
How far into the semester do we have to be before it's ok to get drunk in between classes again?
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
I didn't see her "bad karma" tattoo until after I was balls deep
not ubering you a puppy
I mean...he danced with his dick still inside of me. What more could a girl ask for?
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
So you're willing to shred any respect that you had for your body on some random chick who's only looking for sex? That's the worst thing I've ever heard.
I mean, it won't be 100% meaningless, I know her middle name.
Randomize
