I met the friendliest cop last night
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
I had fun last night. We should have sex less often.
And then she proceeded to fling her bra around while screaming the rocket power theme song, still managing to not fall off the skateboard
In case you were wondering...putting everclear into a humidifier DOES get you really really drunk.
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
I'm okay with corrupting his young mind.
Ew! He's just a child!
AND I'M GONNA SHOW HIM HOW TO MAKE ONE.
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
I tried to breakup with him by telling I had a threesome. He one upped me by saying he had a 5-some so I couldn’t do it.
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