just come out here and I will go home with you...
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
I just wiped my vajayjay with snow. Bad idea.
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
Is it hot in here? Is the room moving? Its moving. The room is moving. Its spinning like a top. Have you ever been covered in puke? What are you doing?
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
It's the building I live in, they were lucky I was wearing clothes at all
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
I'm kinda surprised he wouldn't be honored to take me back as a fuck buddy.
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
Mostly what I remember is someone saying "raise your hand if you're too turnt" then raising my hand and falling
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
Randomize
