You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened.
there are ass prints on the hood of my car.
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
I was tied up in bed before noon, the rest of the day can go to hell.
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
You ran down the alley towards a stranger screaming "you took my beer".... Then proceeded to run into a garage, fall down, and scream about how your shirt makes you look fat.
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
Went home with a dude from UF last night. Just dripped chicken onto my phone and then licked it off. Going to pick up a bridesmaid dress. Mid 20s in a nutshell.
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
Randomize
