I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
So befoe we go on this mission how reliable are you for bailing peope out of jail
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
I was ashamed to still be in my green tank this morning, but there's a guy here in full on bright green pants and a green blazer. He looks like the lucky charms guy stretched out at drunker than usual. Now, I fade into the background.
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
On another note, I almost lost one side of my fake butt. Dancing the wobble with the fake butt isn't recommend.
It's a novelty for anyone to see a girl like me in a skirt like this milking a cow
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
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