he made me stop in the middle of the blowjob to turn the tv towrds him. i then proceeded when he stopped me again to get him the remote. fuck me.
i just used a pokemon card to do blow. i need an adult. now.
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
Just bonged a beer from a vuvuzela...this place is only doing good for me
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
I will also take that commission in the form of weed. Pass that on to the asst. manager.
Old men love us. For they have fine taste and disturbing minds.
I walk in and my roomie is fucking her bf while wearing lingerie and minnie mouse ears. Right in the childhood.
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
i wasnt sure i had a crush on her until i woke up this morning and saw i had googled fifteen variations of "lesbian marriage in estonia". where the fuck is estonia
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize
