For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
Just got the orientation leader spot. For the first two days, I will be one of the best looking guys on campus. The freshman girls will be so disappointed they settled for me when everyone else comes back.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
She touched my penis and started laughing. She did the same thing when she blew me.
Your trash is full of condoms and yoohoos what a great life we live
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
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