forecast for tonight- shitshow with a chance of tbell
my version of bright and sunny.
Kenny Powers is just a normal guy with exceptional hair
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
You cheat on me once, shame on me. You cheat on me with a white girl, it's fucking over
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
The preggo girl brought her pet chipmunk to class today. fyi.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
she said she walked into the kitchen and i was sitting ass naked on the floor chugging her parents vodka.
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
WHERE THE FUCK'S MY FUCKING RITALIN YOU FUCKING FASCIST?????
You ruined a cute cat because your lack of horniness
She really wants to hug you. With her vagina.
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
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