so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.
you were wandering around the street for like an hour singing "nothing but socks on"..an original you wrote after the 12th shot i believe
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
He literally cried into his tacos and screamed fuck bitches. Don't know if it was the best, or the worst hook up, ever.
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
I’ve looked at so many mouse vaginas in the past week
Randomize
