Why does Jon Cryer have a career?
That is a good question.
We can get Dustin to help us. I think he'd be good at luring girls into a dark alley.
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
guy at the corner shop gets out a bottle of tequilla and a pack of malboro light whenever he sees me through the door. makes me feel loved and cared for
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
BTW send me your address and size of condoms you wish your lover was-- "if you build it, they will come"
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
Got high again and all I want to do is wave this flag around
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
Here when you come to your senses come back here and I'll fuck you back out of them.
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
Randomize
