I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
'fingered' and 'feelings' NEVER belong in the same sentence.
Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
can we meet up so i can piece together the end of my night? for instance, did i jump or fall into a plant?
halloween is the only time that anne boleyn, the joker, a cowgirl, and a mexican man complete with sombrero and poncho can all hit the same blunt
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
my question is who was more confortable? You sleeping on the floor or me tweeting from a bush?
they had to take the Corona's out of the fish tank because they wouldn't fit with the mini replica of the roman coliseum in there. so we drank the Corona's. does beer have an expiry date?
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
I spend so much of my life shaving my body hair off and I want nothing more than his beard in all my hairless places.
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