My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
U shoulda just taken her to a stall and banged her and let me watch the game. Some friend u r.
Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
low point in my life last night. licked pizza grease off my iphone screen..
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
That dick was not the dick of a twenty year old
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
Trying to decide if I'm relieved or disappointed that I didn't receive any fuck boi calls on nye
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
