Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
I think they're German
Just say lederhosen and see what happens
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
Last night I woke up and the national rep of his frat was sucking my toe.
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
I want to fuck the side burns off of Steve.
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
I fully support your bad decision but I do not approve of your unironic use of the word yolo
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
Can you get an STD by sharing underwear? Walk of shamed home and realized I was wearing someone else’s panties
No one knows. This doesn’t happen to normal people.
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
Randomize
