I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
The only problem is i have violated all potential new years resolutions at the new years party.
in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
all i remember is screaming butter knifes are for pussies.
You both must have been completely wasted because every once in a while we would hear you both stop and start singing to each other. At one point it was taylor swift.
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
My password hint says "not sunset, also facebook." i need to stop doing computer things while high. I will never figure this clue out.
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
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