So how was he last night?
Five-minute foot-long.
my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
Bret has after-school detention for writing Brianna has a stinky vag on the ground at recess.
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
i have rugburns grass stains and some road rash. im an all terrain slut
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
Randomize
