I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
you just kept yelling NO BUENO SENOR at the cashier and throwing coins at him, of course you were going to get kicked out of the grocery store
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
Are we in any of the areas with tornados?
Dude, i don't even have pants on yet, it's too early to think about tornadoes.
If you sleep with him again I'll have you spayed
Last night was incredible. I can tell by the nacho cheese on my jacket
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
He said that we couldn't refer to each other as brother and sister anymore cuz we were in no way related and he would love nothing more than to get naked with me.
Randomize
