I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
after giving each other head, we had a really nice post-oral heart to heart. found out he lost his virginity in a threesome.
He did not want a thank you for helping me move in bj. I don't know how to thank him now.
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
She acts like a 3 year old but with fantastic tits. This girl is the reason women are objectified
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
Idk, apparently drinking five Four Loko's and trying to fight a mailbox constitutes disorderly conduct.
Randomize
