I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
im at a loss of words.... a stripper is dancing to a Justin Bieber song.
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
Dude she looks like a female richard gere plus 400 pounds.
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
I have a whole new respect for her. She chugged half a bottle of jack daniels, and then peed all over his wall. Serves him right.
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
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