My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
im not going to any frat parties next semester. for once i want them to think its actually hard to get in my vagina
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
More or less binge drinking as a giant grape seemed justified
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
I'll ask around, all of my friends have girlfriends now for the most part though so they're all dead inside
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
she wanted me to tie her up with my playstation charger cord. i kept on hoping she wasn't a squirter. those cords r expensive. could have def been a Sony commercial tho
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
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