If a woman tells you she has been pink socked...don't move forward with her.
New universal law, if a movie has a Rob Zombie song in it, its probably a bad movie.
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
I'm cleaning my bathroom. That being said I found a klonopin and dropped it and stepped on it. Floor is clean im gonna snort it.
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
Randomize