Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
He bought my favorite ceral.. I've guess I've earn the status as one of his regular fuck buddies. I feel honored and proud. His roommates girls don't get this treatment.
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
This is me trying to take a picture to send to grandma. At 4. We were trying to look sober.
does having sex with an episode of House playing in the background count as studying for my MCAT?
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
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