And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
do you think he would believe thats it not really my period, and that i ate a lot of licorice?
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
I do wanna see you. And we can just lay here and watch a movie and listen to me cry.
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
He used one of his curtains as a leash and hand restraints. He wins the creative sex challenge hands down.
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
I just dropped a chicken nugget on the floor and seriously prayed that it would be ok....I think this job is making me crazy.
Randomize