Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
if the future wants me to fuck him, then i guss i have to
crossed #23 off the Slucket List!
YOU JUST MADE YOUR SLUCKET LIST THIS MORNING.
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
Moms passed out wet and naked in a rocking chair again....
I don't wanna SLEEP with him, I want to start bar fights with him. There's a difference.
Randomize
