Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
Damn. That makes sense
I know im like the sherlok holmes of sexual problems
I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
six shots in, he is hammered and doing stretches before each shot
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
I am on a roof. I'm not sure which one, or why, or how, but I am on a roof and you should come get me. I can see info classrooms!
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
Mom has wine in a to go cup. It's that kind of night.
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
Randomize
