True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
we've progressed from teabagging to lighting eachothers asses on fire. this cannot be a good path.
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
Check that he is NOT ok. He just heated up SoCo and used it as syrup on his pancakes.
I now beleive the Trojan Ecstasy ad "feels like nothing's there". They forgot to add "...cause the condom broke."
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
I believe I convinced two girls to makeout for freedom last night Hahaha
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
All I know is you walked out of the kitchen in some kind of French onion dip bra and started passing out individual chips to guys saying " do you dip?"
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
We had sex six times. In a span of 8 hours. Confirmation I don't need to go to the gym.
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
Randomize
