My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
just watched the video of me leading you with a trail of french fries.
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
You need to stop blackout tweeting at him to have sex with you on the roof of your dorm. He doesn't even have a twitter.
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
some kid lit a j in the bar tonight. i was in awe of both his boldness and the severe beatdown he received moments later
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
just ran into my drill sergeant from basic 4 years ago. gonna take him home and have him fuck me at the cadence of quick time.
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
TJ is going to paint me in a Patriots Jersey he can paint you in an eagle jersey. Did this last year and got so much dick.
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
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