i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
He tried to carry her to her room after she passed out, but when he picked her up she came back to, saw him, screamed rape and pulled out her vuvuzela app and blasting it like a rape whistle.
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
My blowjobs put them in a state of relaxation similar to that of getting hit with a tranquilizer. The fear comes after the sex.
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
i'm scootering my little heart out so i'm not late for a weed pickup. this is the meaning of adolescence
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
Do you know this guy sitting in front of us? Asking for my vagina.
idk how many shots you took between 2:39 and 3:05, but your message went from "Please text me tomorrow." to "Why you sto textom?"
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