I had to move some guys boxers out of the dryer. This is the closest I'll be getting to dick this month.
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
Well his dad is my dentist so they've both been in my mouth.
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
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