This old guy in denny's is sitting alone and he is looking at us and laughing for no reason
Milquetoast, coolest word ever.
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
What's the protocol when you drive the girl's head into the wall during sex and she starts to cry?
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
As I took my shirt off he commented on how great my boobs where. I responded with "thanks, I grew them myself"
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
After we had sex he went to the kitchen, came back with a bag of funyuns and ate them buck ass naked in his bedroom doorway. Had no idea how to react to that one.
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
Randomize
