Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
I cut my penus on the lid.
Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
I don't fucking care about the convenience of not having freudian slips. I spent 2009-2011 screwing around with 3 different Daniels. 2012 WILL be the dawn of a new day
How about a mike?
Already had two of those
be proud. or at least amused. an 18 yr old and a 25 yr old at least makes my average hookup age this week the same as my age.
I JUST FOUND AN INTERNATIONAL POLE DANCING CHAMPIONSHIP IN SPANISH
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
Can you tell dad to stop liking and sharing porn on FB again?
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
Randomize
