omg, I know. It's so embarrassing that we've both had his penis in parts of our bodies
Hey a mouth doesn't really count. A vagina counts more.
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
i just added no after every hockey player in my phone..
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
She helped me out of the car and i face planted into the snow.....and just stayed there and took like a 30 min nap.
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
no real plans this weekend. trying to derail the alcohol induced fucking hell train I've been riding for the past three weeks.
Randomize
