My liver just broke up with me...
I just saw a commercial for "tickle me elmo hands" and I am almost 100 percent sure that at the end elmo said "yeaaaaa boooyyyyyy"
we'll go far in life on tits alone.
i'm using my hot pot to make jello shots in a muffin tin. i'm never ever graduating.
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
Just found a ramen cup in the stall and all of the showers running with no one in them. WHERE ARE YOU?
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
I think I'm getting too used to throwing up in the reception trash can. It doesn't even phase me anymore
Close. The correct answer is shitting in a public toilet. We also would have accepted the pit of despair.
if things do not go as planned you should see me walking down I81 blindfolded and pantless
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
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