My friends, they love my intelligence
Whatcha textin bout Willis?
I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
Apparently he doesn't remember leaving the bar
If I spent $100 at the bar and didn't get laid I wouldn't want to remember anything either
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
the outcome of this sandwich determines whether or not i do anything else with my day..
I dont care if he cant spell. Illiterate people need blowjobs too
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
We need to drink more. Just think how awesome it would be to wake up in a trailer and NOT remember how wee got here.
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
My one night stand ended up seeing me the next morning... For my interview. Guess who got a job.
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
Randomize
