Denmark girl wants me to go out but i remembered shes a raging whore with extremely questionable morals. Not feelin that tonight
i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
The old saying is "its not the size of the boat-- but the motion of the ocean" is obviously for those on the "Small side." I am of the belief that "You can't churn butter with a toothpick"
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
i will see naked twins by the end of the night. that's all i know
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
I have to sanitize my nipples and its just to cold in here for it to be ok
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
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