I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
nothing as in nothinggggg kills the mood for me is when a girl with 4 cm nipple hair
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
