i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
wow, so sex, not that great its like masturbating with a warm towelette, like the kind you get at a japanese restaurant
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
I think it is impossible 2 take a person seriously when their last name is Pancake
And I can feel feelings now and they hurt
I'm sure it's not the worst thing to ever come out of my ass
He was wearing an Affliction shirt, a Monster hat, and he asked me for anal within 5 minutes of meeting me. Like 3 strikes and you're out, bro.
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
Your penis is the destroyer of worlds.
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
Randomize
