do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
he told me he could still feel the blowjob i gave him last year
wow. THAT good huh
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
Her neighbors? They're nice. Young family. Tried not to get puke on their side of the lawn.
Two words: blizzard sex
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
Randomize
