dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
He used the expression "my couch is your couch" as a come on line.
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
Why would you ask him if you could lick his chest?
He has a very lickable chest
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