I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
she just refered to her hymen as "the mrs"
I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
the liquor store owner came out from behind the counter and kissed my cheek when he saw that i am back for fall semester
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
Birthday Treasure Hunt was to follow the clues. At each spot there was a stick on tattoo and a shot and at the end there was 2 cases of beer. I have 13 tattoos and don't remember turning 18.
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
I have grass duct taped all over my body
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
IF THE SUNS NOT EVEN OUT THEN WHY IS HIS DICK OUT WTF
Randomize
