this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
Omg Kevin Jonas is engaged!!!!!!
Omg really? To who. Gay marriage is only legal in like 3 states.
hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
if every girl in minneapolis isn't pregnant when i get back to the cities i will cry
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
HIS BALLS ARE HEAVEN SENT FROM THE VELVET ANGLES.
Just traded a sandwich for anxiety drugs outside the club. I fuckin' LOVE this place.
You woke us up at 9:15 am still in your toga from last night saying "welcome to my house party...party". You had already filled up the pong cups with yaager/fireball and ordered a chicken platter... Who even delivered that that early???
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
dont know what thebfuxk is in rhat shit, but dont lemme have antmore
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