Ya know, in a round about way coinstar is just a glorified vending machine for all my bad choices.
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
what kind of wine goes with anal sex and shame?
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
He sent me the milestone first dick pic this morning, it looked like a baby's fist holding a tree trunk. I'm frightened and aroused in equal measure.
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