A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'
yeah, and when i walked in on them fucking he said "go away, i'm making sons."
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
Its the anniversary of our epic NBA All-star game weekend. The night the two of us cashed a 30-pack while watching the dunk contest
Are you considering all the consequences of doing your boss or are you just rationalizing with your vagina?
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
FYI, his "son" is a Chihuahua.
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
You've been inside me, dude. There's no such thing as TMI.
So, I think my BF has slept with several of our sorority sisters
Well, now that you know, yes he has. We didn’t say anything because you seemed so happy. He’s a great guy and none of us have any hard feelings, but yeah, we’re all very familiar with his penis and it’s talents
Randomize