my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
ok i'm going to motor boat your sister now. ttyl
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
She fell asleep on the sidewalk and people starting using her as a hurdle
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
You made a glowstick headband with a helium balloon tied around it and climbed a tree in high heels. I was impressed.
Walk of shame: Easter Edition. He is risen.
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
Why do my weekends always degenerate into using my little brothers childrens board games for drinking games?
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
A lady played my boobs as if they were drums. It's been that kinda night.
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