my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
when she was cumming she looked like terri schiavo. it took all of my memorized porn images to not go limp.
just put cider in my bong. gotta love fall
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
It's sad that your definition of adulthood entails banging your boss after getting hammered at happy hour, and putting the tab on the company credit card.
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
have fuck
*fun
actually forget it have a fuck too it'll do you good
How's the party?
I'm watching two people get flogged. Sothere's that.
lord you gonna make me abandon my soup for tasteful catboy nudes
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