Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
Between the dance party in the car and the distraction of the momma bear and two cubs im a cops wet dream roght now when comes to wreckless driving.
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
So i know i shouldnt being spending random large amnts of money...but i just bought a sword.
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
Am I just high or is she having an auction for her vagina on Twitter
I just watched a porn called gay of thrones and I think I've reached a new low in my life
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
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