Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
I just watched Jersey Shore so I would know what rock bottom was when I reach it.
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
I think my hookup is starting to fall for me. Time to break his heart.
I think his roommates are using word magnets to tell me that they can hear us. His fridge currently says, "Chris ate out naughty girl."
Nope, had to pee on the side got violated by tall grass. Then someone came around the corner and I had to stop mid pee to dive into the car.. Pants down
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
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